Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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