I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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