I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize