Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize