I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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