Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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