Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
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I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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