Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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