How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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