i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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