My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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