i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
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No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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