I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize