So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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