Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
