The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
