my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They took my balls.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
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We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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