I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
