It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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