get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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