update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize