So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
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Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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