Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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