onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
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I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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