Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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