this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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