I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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