the condom got lost in my hair
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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