Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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