I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
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I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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