you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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