Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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