are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
