I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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