barbara walters just said penis...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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