Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
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Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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