There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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