Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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