I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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