Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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