I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize