Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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