Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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