I'm gonna have a badass scar
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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