He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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