I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
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I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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