I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize