mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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