I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize