If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
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Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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