i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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